Stealing Joy

I must have said it a few dozen times yesterday

It's just one of those days. I'm really fighting for joy.

You see I had been anticipating yesterday all week. There are these eight women (one mama, four daughters and their three sisters-in-love (law) that I cherish so very much...and they were all going to be in the same room. And my heart was aching to join them because somewhere along the way I have been blessed to be deemed a sister-just-cuz. And the times I get to spend with them I cherish for myself and for the hopes of what our own family may look like someday.

And like I said, my heart was just aching to be with them.

But we've only been back from vacation for just over a week and honestly, we just aren't quite settled yet. We've had a a week of busyness.  Me forgetting that my ministry begins at home and even though I love to serve outside our home, I forgot my husband and my children come first.  With my forgetting came my children's forgetting. Forgetting to be kind, forgetting how to get along,forgetting to obey at any point (we have three: all the way, right away, with a happy heart)  There was none of that.  So much forgetfulness.

So from the tug on my heart that things just weren't right in our home and with some encouragement from my knight, I decided to stay home for the morning and just join my sister-friends after nap time.  I needed to be present for my children.

But it hurts my heart now to type these next words:

I wasn't.  I wasn't present at all.

My heart was across town and apparently with my heart went grace, patience and any kindness.  I was physically with them but let me tell you I am sure that they probably wish I just would have joined my heart.  And finally about 10 minutes after I had asked my four and two year-old for forgiveness a fourth time, my sweet Addy said with such love in her voice 

Mama, you are doing such a good job not being unkind.

My heart leaped to my throat, I sucked in my breath quickly to keep my chest from heaving and the tears from falling, zipped my coat quickly and hurried the little ones out the door.

Safe in the car, like the rain falling on my windshield the tears came trickling and I made the decision that I needed a latte or I was going to show up in tears.  The coffee stand was closed.

Sometimes providence doesn't seem very sweet.

We arrived, hustled in quickly from the rain and within moments I was sitting in a circle of compassion, with sisters who also have those days.

Things were better until later when I was recapping a story from my Wednesday where I found Addy scrubbing the bathroom floor. I had asked her what she was doing and she replied "why mama, I'm cleaning for your small group."

When I finished the telling of my story a sister-friend said gently "don't those moments give you joy to carry you through days like today."

Once again my heart leaped to my throat as conviction caused a storm inside of me.

In all my fighting for joy all I had done all day was steal it from my sweet children.

How precious are our children, how numbered our days, how too soon they will really know how weathered and wearisome the world around them is and yet I waste so much time longing to be somewhere I'm not or being someone I wish I wasn't. Not finding joy in the little things, robbing the girls of their own joy, forgetting what Who is enough for me.

And in reality, had I been present for my children all morning yesterday, stopped when they asked me too, built the castle-again, snuggled for just a few more minutes, not only would our little joy buckets have been full, we would have even had some to spill over onto our sweet friends.

Instead, we arrived like the weather-- dreary, gloomy, in need of sunshine.  I offered little and even my girls were out of sorts bursting into shrill sobs at the slightest infraction from another child.

I think I may have been a bona fide joy stealer all altogether.  And rather than the joy-bearers they really are, I even brought with me mini joy-stealers.  Gak! I would have sent us home.  (I'm sorry dear sister-friends, won't you give us another chance?)

I skipped getting up when I should today and instead awoke to two little girls bounding into my room, crawling onto our bed, stifling giggles.  It took a few minutes and a half-up of coffee to remember the joy-stealing I had done the day before and even though it was a good half-hour late, I started over  and greeted those joy-bearers with our traditional

Good morning! Arise and shine the light has come. Who is the light?

And when Anna chimed "Jesus!"

I remembered His mercies are new every morning. As we made breakfast this morning together we danced and all sang

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Today is a new day and by God's grace I'm not sure who is filling whose cups but joy is overflowing.  I'm still in my pajamas but castles have been built, stories been read and even dishes washed in laughter.  The silence of afternoon naps fills our home but I can still hear Addy singing this morning while she colored.

Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough for me.

This time as I retell a story, it is bringing me joy all-over, reminding me of God's mercy, His goodness,  that His grace is enough indeed.

 And His grace is what will carry me through tomorrow.

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

~Isaiah 35:10