a terrible, no good, very bad day

I'm having an Alexander of a day and for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about Alexander is a little boy who described his day as "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad."  Even as I write out that sentence, I'm tempted to backspace it away because it seems so dramatic and in one of my trains of thought there is a tape on repeat saying "in the grand scheme of things it isn't that bad."

But, it really has been pretty stinky.  With attitudes to follow. 

Alexander's day was full of moderate inconveniences and silly annoyances like gum in his hair, being squished in the backseat and the fact that no one was listening. He planned on moving to Australia.

Today my inconveniences included things like a 5 gallon bucket of Kilz paint primer, our basement floor, a pair of North Face boarding pants and a dog, followed by tape pealing finished paintwork, spilled beverages, pesky flies and a hummus covered knife flinging inself through the air dispersing goo with each rotation and emphatically bouncing on the floor. It also included an impatient mama, sisters who no matter how much I scolded could not get along, a teething baby, and harsh words that came flying out more quickly than "in your anger do not sin" could come to my mind. And to top it all off 20 minutes after cleaning up the spilled beverage at lunch, I pulled out my chair at the table and sat down only to discover that the spilled beverage was not contained on the table after all.  Did I mention that in my story no one is listening either?

It was one of those mornings where I became even angrier because I can't actually throw up my hands in defeat and just walk out.  I don't have the option to quit.  And in my heart of hearts I don't believe I'd actually take the option but I just want to have an option some days. Some days I feel like booking a flight to Australia with Alexander.

There is a banner across our fireplace that spells out the word gratitude and a little card on our table that reads "the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness..." and today when I looked at them I looked past the content and just saw clutter.  I hate clutter.  I like wide open, stark white, clean spaces of which there are none in my house. Deep breath.

At some point I laughed because this post was swimming around in my head and all I could think of was a song my knight's parents sang to him when he was but a wee squire...(to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)

"Wally the whiner was a little boy of four. He had ten toes and he picked his nose and he wiped it on the floor..."

I also despise whining which apparently there is a lot of in our house today.

There are two unpublished posts this week about what a hypocrite I am. In this case its true because I preach how our hearts should flow with gratitude but when pressed today nothing flowed but bitter whine.

By the grace of God I know that there is only one way to break a cycle of such a crummy day but on days like today rather than drinking and eating of the One thing, the One person, who can satisfy, I long more for a glass of wine and Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Crisps.  I settled for a reheated cup of coffee and a banana muffin and reluctantly flung my Bible on the table.  And I stared at it.

And then I got up and vacuumed my floors.

I'm really, really stubborn some days and even though I know that it isn't true, I was hoping that a dog-hairless carpet would solve my problems.

It didn't.

I sat down again, looked right past the book and saw my phone. Another distraction sure to satisfy me.  I was so annoyed when I refreshed my screen and my Google Reader was open to Ann's post for this morning.  Not Ann, anyone but Ann, I thought. I know what she's going to say and today I just don't want to hear it.

But I started to read anyway...

I take the seat at the end of Mama’s couch. Curl my red socks up under me. Mama, she hands me a mug of steaming tea, apple cinnamon, and tells me it’s [Psalm] 107  this morning and could I just read the chapter right out loud?

Read it because it’s manna and and you’ve got nothing to give if you haven’t gathered, and you have to gather it at daybreak if you are going to gain from it the daylong.

Read it because it’s your very life and why live emaciated and I open it like a woman who needs to be cured of one wild and life-long eating disorder.
I read Psalm 107: ….

Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story— …

Some wandered in desert wastelands,
finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress…

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love …

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains … they stumbled, and there was no one to help.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress…

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind…

Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.

Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

He sent out his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind.

Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

And Anne looks over and Mama looks up and she asks it aloud, “Well?”
I pull at my socks and there is a one beautiful woman battling cancer and chemo– thousands– and mothers grieving over children gone and men broken over everything shattered and hadn’t Spurgeon said it:

“There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health except it be sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health…
It is a good thing to be without a trouble; but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it.” ~Spurgeon

Know how to get grace enough.
It is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it. And we get grace enough to bear it — when we run into the arms of Grace who bore it all, into Him Who is more than enough.

I read the words once, then twice and the third time I read the words of Psalm 107 from my own Bible and fixed my gaze on

they loathed any kind of food,

and they drew near to the gates of death.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He sent out his word and healed them,

and delivered them from their destruction.

Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

for his wondrous works to the children of man!

And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,

and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

Tears fell readily and I sat at the table then and sit here now amazed at God's grace.

They loathed any kind of food and they drew near the gates of death...and He delivered them from their distress.

One moment I loath the one thing that can satisfy and moments later without me even crying to Him in my trouble, He delivers me from my distress.

Ann went on to write

I run my hand across the page. Gather the manna up into hands, what really is, and all that feeds:

“Our cries to the Lord — are what give us communion with the Lord. It’s the dire distress that drives us into the deep devotion.
It’s when all fails, His love never fails — and this is why we are a people who can always give thanks.”

It is humbling how she can always say it better than I can, and rarely would I even think to add anything to what she says but each time I read the above line I read it with the addition of three words I know so well today...when I fail.

It’s when all fails, when I fail, His love never fails — and this is why we are a people who can always give thanks. 

There are going to be more Alexander days. There may be one tomorrow. And today I'll combat what may happen tomorrow by learning how to give thanks. The Psalms mention a "sacrifice of thanksgiving" multiple times and it saddens my heart that giving thanks would be a sacrifice.  But in our limited understanding,  in our practical atheism, in our hard hearts, saying thank you for the Alexander days is so hard, so unthinkable.  But in everything we are called to give thanks.

When our girls whine or have hard hearts, as a discipline in learning to have hearts that offer sacrifices of thanksgiving no matter the circumstance, I ask them to list things for which they are grateful. 

By God's grace I take one more baby step in my battle against my own hypocrisy and I practice what I preach:


#1 -- A gracious God who does not leave my in my sin.
#2-- The words "I forgive you, mama"
#3-- That mercies are not just new each morning
#4-- The laughter of little girls
#5--  For spilled milk and wet pants and the prompting to change out of my pajamas
#6--Knowledge that with His love there truly is no such thing as a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that cannot be redeemed
#7-- The life that comes from knowing that if when I fail, He does not.  That this new life began when I was dead. dead. dead. There was not life enough in one hypothetical cell in my body alive to desire Him, to want to be made new...But that God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved me, even when I was dead in my trespasses, made me alive together with Christ—by grace I have been saved—and this is not my own doing; it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2, italics mine)